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struggling to get erection, erection problem, erectile dysfunction, oral sex, penis size, self-image, partner dissatisfaction,

I cannot get her to orgasm
 
I have been with my girlfriend for 3 months and I struggle getting an erection. She has performed oral sex and I still struggle. I keep making excuses but I have to figure this out. To beat this, I have been taking Viagra. Now when we have sex, I seldom cum and I cannot get her to orgasm. She said she can't but she gets close. I feel like the world is going to end, what do I do?
 
The problem is there just about always, with last two partners. I've used Viagra but can't keep doing this.
- M, 28, single, US
 
Answer
 

Thank you for sharing your concern with us.

Let's examine the issue raised by you in three parts. First, about not getting an erection with your g/fs. I just want to remind you that though erection is a physical event, it is controlled as much by physical factors (such as blood flow into the penis), as by factors not so physical.

In fact, as you know, this hardware requires appropriate software to function. If there are bugs in the software they fail to direct the hardware to act. Or even misdirect.

I guess this is what is happening in your case. You said the problem has popped up with the last two partners. It follows that you haven't had this problem before. And you don't have difficulty getting erection with Viagra. These indicate that basically you  have no physical factors that hinder erection.

It leaves us with psychological barriers - conscious or subconscious - and circumstantial factors as potential culprits in your problem. Your self-consciousness about penis is one such factor. When you are proud of yourself (positive self-image) you perform confidently. At least absence of negative feelings about body image helps you indulge in sex without inhibitions. When you are inhibited by feelings about penis size or your ability to perform etc., it dilutes the sexual responses - resulting in weak or delayed erections or both - no matter whether you get oral or whatever.

And all this may occur with one partner but not with another.

Time, place, surroundings, hurry, fear of pregnancy/disease, performance anxiety, eagerness to please the partner, fear of failure, partner's demand, partner's behavior attributes, lack of sufficient attraction... and the like are some situational factors that hamper erections and other sexual responses. If you carefully analyze, you would probably be able to identify some causes. Avoiding them can improve the situation.

Regarding penis size, if it's a short penis you may be delighted that it has the advantage of stimulating the outer 1/3 of the vaginal barrel where most nerves are distributed. (Deep inside the vagina there are virtually no nerves so the woman does not feel the penis there.

If the penis is slender your girl friend can learn to hold it tight with the muscles around her vaginal opening so that both of you get a tight squeeze and the accompanying pleasure during thrusting. So no worry about penis size.

As to Viagra, some people have experienced delayed orgasm - maybe you are one, or you have different reasons such as the barriers mentioned above. And... oral is not necessarily the best means of stimulating erections. When you are well aroused through other physical and psychological stimuli, erections should not be a problem. I guess you will do good to yourself, if you learn to relax and abandon yourself totally while enjoying sexual interaction. Be a little selfish for a while (till you are comfortable with yourself. Do not be focused on pleasing the partner and your erections should improve without drugs. Similarly by focusing on enjoying your own sexual responses, you would be able to come soon too.

You can help your girl friend reach orgasm too, but without losing focus on yourself. Try woman-superior position and give simultaneous clitoral stimulation. Read some sex manuals for help.

 
 
All the best
Poosha Darbha
 

 


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