A 27-yr. old single
male from US writes:
Hello Dr, I am 27 year old healthy male, originally
from Chennai. Unfortunately I have same-sex attractions. Infact I am
only attracted to men and am not at all attracted to women. Given
our Indian society and culture, I cant reveal this fact to my
friends and family. Besides, even for me personally
I dont want to lead a gay lifestyle.
I want to have a wife, family, etc. I beleive that after
I get old, sex will become more secondary and it is love and
companionship which will be more important.
there is no such "cure" for homosexuality.
What I want to know is, if there is any Indian herbs/pills and/or
techniques that I can employ to get an erection when I am with a
girl even though I am not aroused. I really feel that if I can get
an erection by taking a pill or employing some technique without
being actually aroused, I can fulfil my obligations as a husband and
at the same time live happily.
I believe I am inherently gay. But I want to sort of
"fake" attraction to a woman and perform in bed. Please help me.
Thank you for sharing your concern
with us. First of all let me assure you that there indeed is a
solution for your problem, although not with herbal medicines /
pills (no drug will ever change our orientations).
Let me answer your mail point-wise.
“Unfortunately I have same-sex attractions. In fact I
am only attracted to men and am not at all attracted to women”.
It’s NOT UNFORTUNATE to have same sex
attractions. The current understanding and belief of sexuality
scientists is that people have different orientations towards sex
and same-sex orientation is one form, the second largest majority in
the world. However, you may not like your own orientation and wish
to change to another kind of orientation – that’s up to you and IT
No body can change you. It’s you who
should bring in changes in your thoughts and behaviors. That’s
possible only when you have a strong desire for change.
want to have a wife, family, etc.” –
I take this, and your mail as a whole,
as a sign of your strong inclination to changing towards
heterosexuality. However your next sentence puts me in doubt – “I
believe that after I get
old, sex will become more secondary and it is love and companionship
which will be more important.” I want to know if THIS is your
only motive behind wanting to develop attraction towards women. If
this is another cause apart from your general desire to
change orientation, you have better chances of making a turn-around.
Why I am dwelling on these points is that for any major changes to
take place you need to have a very strong motivation.
Okay, presuming you have all the
necessary will and motivation for the proposed change, you have to
start on a long journey towards reorienting yourself. The therapist
will help you achieve this. It’s like a left hander trying to become
a right hander or vice versa. You will come across hurdles… get
feelings of frustration… may be tempted to abandon all
attempts….but, my friend, perseverance pays. It does. People before
you have transformed themselves this way. You will, too.
there is any Indian herbs/pills and/or techniques that I can employ
to get an erection when I am with a girl even though I am not
aroused. I really feel that …(this way)…I can fulfil my obligations
as a husband and at the same time live happily.
I am afraid I must disagree with you.
Indeed there are pills like sildenafil citrate, tadalafil, and
vardenafil to be taken orally; and drugs like papavarine,
phentolamine, and prostaglandin e1 to be injected into penis every
time you want have sex – they all produce erections despite not
having sexual desire… you may be able to perform intercourse… but
certainly not to your happiness or satisfaction as you hoped for …
very likely you’ll be disappointed or even disgusted with these
mechanical acts … and probably end up discontinuing it within days,
not even weeks. I am not inclined to predict the worse!
want to sort of "fake" attraction to a woman and perform in bed.”
This is dangerous, and can ruin your
Therefore the solution is to approach
a sex therapist experienced in handling therapy for reorientation of
sexual preferences. In my practice the majority of my clients with
your problem have had some kind of same sex play / experience during
their adolescent years which was usually their first sex experience.
This happens to millions of young boys, as this is a common part of
the psychosexual development of the male. However a vast majority of
them soon pass through that stage and develop heterosexual
interests, while some cling on to their same-sex interests
accidentally aroused during adolescence. If misconceptions add fuel
to this, they come to believe that they have something inherently
homosexual or feminine about them that caused their same-sex
attractions. Initially they pursue it further due to the upsurge of
hormones and emotions typical of youth but later, as they settle
down they start to regret and seek ways and means to change. This is
a characteristically typical situation that I come across, although
not the only cause for same-sex attractions. (Those who are
comfortable with their homosexual feelings seldom see a sex
If what I narrated above holds good
for you to a large extent you are a candidate for therapy that
gradually brings about change in your orientation. Hypnotherapy (in
which suggestions are given to you after you are taken into trance)
also strengthens the behavior therapy.
Therefore please approach a certified
sex therapist (visit
www.aasect.org) near you whose expertise includes
cognitive-behavior therapy and attend sessions regularly. In a few
weeks I expect you will find remarkable change in the situation.
I hasten to add a word of caution. The
therapy is slow and requires patience and perseverance. No drugs can
bring about changes in orientation. Even after completion of the
therapy, you may be left with some same-sex attraction that pops up
once a while through out the life-span, but that is okay and you
should not be upset about it.
I hope this answers your query and
please do not hesitate to let me know if you have any more
If you have concerns, problems, questions about sex
Ask the consultant
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