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A 27-yr. old single male from US writes:

Hello Dr, I am 27 year old healthy male, originally from Chennai. Unfortunately I have same-sex attractions. Infact I am only attracted to men and am not at all attracted to women. Given our Indian society and culture, I cant reveal this fact to my friends and family. Besides, even for me personally I dont want to lead a gay lifestyle. I want to have a wife, family, etc. I beleive that after I get old, sex will become more secondary and it is love and companionship which will be more important. My understanding is there is no such "cure" for homosexuality. What I want to know is, if there is any Indian herbs/pills and/or techniques that I can employ to get an erection when I am with a girl even though I am not aroused. I really feel that if I can get an erection by taking a pill or employing some technique without being actually aroused, I can fulfil my obligations as a husband and at the same time live happily.

 

I believe I am inherently gay. But I want to sort of "fake" attraction to a woman and perform in bed. Please help me. Thanks.

Thank you for sharing your concern with us. First of all let me assure you that there indeed is a solution for your problem, although not with herbal medicines / pills (no drug will ever change our orientations).

Let me answer your mail point-wise.

“Unfortunately I have same-sex attractions. In fact I am only attracted to men and am not at all attracted to women”.

It’s NOT UNFORTUNATE to have same sex attractions. The current understanding and belief of sexuality scientists is that people have different orientations towards sex and same-sex orientation is one form, the second largest majority in the world. However, you may not like your own orientation and wish to change to another kind of orientation – that’s up to you and IT IS POSSIBLE.

No body can change you. It’s you who should bring in changes in your thoughts and behaviors. That’s possible only when you have a strong desire for change.

I want to have a wife, family, etc.” –

I take this, and your mail as a whole, as a sign of your strong inclination to changing towards heterosexuality. However your next sentence puts me in doubt – “I believe that after I get old, sex will become more secondary and it is love and companionship which will be more important.” I want to know if THIS is your only motive behind wanting to develop attraction towards women. If this is another cause apart from your general desire to change orientation, you have better chances of making a turn-around. Why I am dwelling on these points is that for any major changes to take place you need to have a very strong motivation.

Okay, presuming you have all the necessary will and motivation for the proposed change, you have to start on a long journey towards reorienting yourself. The therapist will help you achieve this. It’s like a left hander trying to become a right hander or vice versa. You will come across hurdles… get feelings of frustration… may be tempted to abandon all attempts….but, my friend, perseverance pays. It does. People before you have transformed themselves this way. You will, too.

“… if there is any Indian herbs/pills and/or techniques that I can employ to get an erection when I am with a girl even though I am not aroused. I really feel that …(this way)…I can fulfil my obligations as a husband and at the same time live happily.

I am afraid I must disagree with you. Indeed there are pills like sildenafil citrate, tadalafil, and vardenafil to be taken orally; and drugs like papavarine, phentolamine, and prostaglandin e1 to be injected into penis every time you want have sex – they all produce erections despite not having sexual desire… you may be able to perform intercourse… but certainly not to your happiness or satisfaction as you hoped for … very likely you’ll be disappointed or even disgusted with these mechanical acts … and probably end up discontinuing it within days, not even weeks. I am not inclined to predict the worse!

I want to sort of "fake" attraction to a woman and perform in bed.”

This is dangerous, and can ruin your sexual life.

Therefore the solution is to approach a sex therapist experienced in handling therapy for reorientation of sexual preferences. In my practice the majority of my clients with your problem have had some kind of same sex play / experience during their adolescent years which was usually their first sex experience. This happens to millions of young boys, as this is a common part of the psychosexual development of the male. However a vast majority of them soon pass through that stage and develop heterosexual interests, while some cling on to their same-sex interests accidentally aroused during adolescence. If misconceptions add fuel to this, they come to believe that they have something inherently homosexual or feminine about them that caused their same-sex attractions. Initially they pursue it further due to the upsurge of hormones and emotions typical of youth but later, as they settle down they start to regret and seek ways and means to change. This is a characteristically typical situation that I come across, although not the only cause for same-sex attractions. (Those who are comfortable with their homosexual feelings seldom see a sex counselor).

If what I narrated above holds good for you to a large extent you are a candidate for therapy that gradually brings about change in your orientation. Hypnotherapy (in which suggestions are given to you after you are taken into trance) also strengthens the behavior therapy.

Therefore please approach a certified sex therapist (visit www.aasect.org) near you whose expertise includes cognitive-behavior therapy and attend sessions regularly. In a few weeks I expect you will find remarkable change in the situation.

I hasten to add a word of caution. The therapy is slow and requires patience and perseverance. No drugs can bring about changes in orientation. Even after completion of the therapy, you may be left with some same-sex attraction that pops up once a while through out the life-span, but that is okay and you should not be upset about it.

I hope this answers your query and please do not hesitate to let me know if you have any more questions.

Best wishes.

Dr. Poosha

 

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